7/20: Welcome to Allison's Fashion Camp

Allison is wearing her Dad's Cheetah swimsuit from the 1980s,
a tie-dyed shirt her Uncle Rob gave her (with a hole in the armpit),
and a headband made out of a broken shoelace.

Welcome to my Fashion Camp.

This is something I've wanted to write about, but since I really like to keep Travels With Mattie about happy things that I love dearly -- Mattie Dog, family, mountains, wild animals, best buddies, mountain lion sightings, climbing, petroglyphs, the cabin, mortars, Laughing Places, really good space-out sessions, hiking, delicious food, Mono Bars, the Mobil Station, and all kinds of really important things like that -- I've resisted for an entire year.

But it's happening again this year and it just makes me want to puke everywhere.

Allison, WHAT is happening again? I really want to tell you so that you can puke in solidarity, but first some background.

This is how I spend the majority of my life:

Sometimes I get dressed up, and I certainly wear slightly more normalish clothes (...but still usually from Goodwill or Crossroads Trading Company) when I'm at work, but mostly that's how I look.

Here are some facts about me, for those of you on the fringes:

I'm thirty years old.
I know that my clothes are ridiculous. I like wearing every color at the same time.
Most of my clothes are recycled. Or just really old.
I take showers about once a week (or less) all summer, and not just because we're in a drought. I do swim in a lot of lakes and visit hot springs often.
I have two engineering degrees (B.S. Chemical Engineering, M.S. Mechanical Engineering) and a Ph.D. in Environmental Science and Management (not related to why I shower so infrequently).
I'm also an artist.
I have a real job. My dream job. I teach data analysis and statistics at a big awesome university inhabited by brilliant faculty, staff and students. It is wonderful.
I have a boyfriend. He's the greatest, and he doesn't give a single fuck about what pants I'm wearing, especially when we're tearing up our shins climbing and wandering around in knee-high sagebrush and Jeffery Pine forests for days and days.
I have a huge group of friends and a (mostly) functional family. They also have real jobs, boyfriends, girlfriends, and many of them are SUPER fashionable (hey Adam). They're the most supportive, loving, silly, happy people anywhere, and they probably give less fucks about my clothes than my boyfriend.
Sometimes I wear make up. Keep in mind, I'm also thirty years old.

Why does any of this matter? It matters because I have two nieces who are four and seven years old, living in Reno, and when I was working at a coffee shop up there last summer I saw this insult to women everywhere standing proudly on the sidewalk:

Here's the small print on the bottom of the poster:

"Know a girl age 5 - 12 with a passion for fashion? The Summit has a day camp destination just for her. Learn about style, accessorizing, makeup, decorating and entertaining."

It makes me want to be sick.

So instead of going on an instant rant after this singular poster made me wonder if I had time warped into the 1950's, I decided to look into it just a little. Because SURELY, you would not be teaching a five year old about makeup, shopping, and fashion, right? And if that was the case, SURELY mothers everywhere would be outraged, right? No?

So I don't misquote the leader (...the beautiful, very nice looking, made-up, eloquent and completely appropriate leader) of this FASHION CAMP FOR 5 - 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS (keeeep barfiiiinng), here's a happy little informative piece of ...news?

And because I'm trying not to just bash (I am) what might be a cool camp (it's not), here's some crucial info from an advertisement in the Sparks Tribune:

From the camp "host": "This is such an amazing program that takes fashion and applies it to all areas of a young camper's life...I'm excited to spend this time with the campers and help them find that extra boost of confidence that will propel them to success in school, at home, in social gatherings and professional opportunities."

"Camp subjects will include Model Behavior, Casting Call, Design Diva, Enchanted Etiquette and Fashion Frenzy. A special visit from a pediatrician from Renown Children's Hospital will discuss living a healthy lifestyle. The campers will also attend The Summit's Farmers Market to learn about nutrient-rich organic produce."

I admit that the last part sounds nice. I'll try not not make too much speculation about how I doubt these parents are paying $240/week for their child to visit a FREE FARMERS MARKET one day, or about how that visit from a pediatrician seems a little like a preemptive defense. But I guess it's good anyway, so let's pretend like only six out of seven days of Fashion Camp are complete bullshit.

Since I (clearly) have not been to fashion camp, I'll just consider direct quotes and try not make assumptions about what actually goes on at the Summit Fashion Camp.

1. The camp "takes fashion and applies it to all areas of a young camper's life." Remember that these campers are little girls. As young as FIVE.

When I was five, I was running around in sweatpants and a filthy hand-me-down shirt from my older brother looking for toads in the creek. I was covered in dirt most of the time, diving into piles of raked leaves, catching snakes and tarantulas on country roads, eating shit on my bike, and attending free Farmers Markets. I was also reading, learning math, writing really awesome short stories, and drawing all the time.

No, not every kid should have my childhood and there are all kinds of awesome moms and families out there who have incredible girly girls (including one of my nieces...the other is a total weirdo who I haven't quite figured out yet and they're both the best) who like their clothes and their hair, and that is totally fine. I really used to want those cheap nail polish and lip gloss sets in princess packages, and I probably used them once or twice (but mostly looked like Tim and Lexi after their run-in with the T-rex in Jurassic Park...you know, the car's all spinning around in the mud and everything AND THEY WERE GETTING ATTACKED BY A T-REX). But I'm also sure that there is no good reason that fashion needs to be applied to "all areas of a young camper's life." Liiiike, for example:

- In sports. Because little girls are awesome at sports and for a relatively short amount of time can really kick the boys' butts at them.

- At home, because you're at home and who cares. If you're a parent and you want your five year old girl to put on makeup and be fashionable for dinner, then...I just...eeeehhhh...baaaaaaarf ralph baarf.

- In school. My fancy sweatpants never stopped me from destroying at math and science.

- Actual pretty much anywhere, except maybe for family pictures, your first communion and church if you're into that, and because it makes your Grandma really happy when you're all dressed up and angelic at Christmas

The first time fashion actually played a role in my life was when I tried to look really nice for a 7th grade dance. And that didn't work either, so it's been a downhill slide to the top of the fashion world ever since.

2. A fashion camp for 5 - 12 year old girls that will "propel them to success in school, at home, in social gatherings and professional opportunities"?

Who the hell are these kids who go to "social gatherings" and have "professional opportunities"? Side note: if you're one of those parents who are concerned about your five-year-old daughter's "professional opportunities," she's already screwed anyway. Go ahead and send her to Fashion Camp.

A SOCIAL GATHERING? I'm thirty, and I don't go to social gatherings. I go to Dargan's and drink too many beers with my friends and have fun and sleep on couches a lot. Sometimes we watch Harry Potter and Batman marathons while we eat leftovers in our PJs.

Social gatherings? What? Eeeeeeeeeuuuuu bbaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrf. Here is what you can probably call a "social gathering" of 5 - 12 year old girls: a total effing nightmare. But it's definitely not a social gathering.

Little girls have play dates. Right? Are there any moms out there who send their 5 - 12 year old girls to "social gatherings?" Am I just that out of touch? Is this like the adorable little-kid-actors only version of Downton Abbey, a la the classic, must-watch and kind-of-creepy-now-that-I-watch-some-of-these-clips-again Bugsy Malone?

What five year old can be worried by social gatherings and professional opportunities? Baaaarf. A kid should learn about being kind to animals, loving wild things and the earth, playing, making friends, making mistakes, falling in the dirt. Wanting to learn new things. I don't know. I'm not a mom. But I am a daughter, and I have some really great nieces. When my seven year old niece told me she was wearing her four-year old sister's pants because "they made [her] legs look skinny" I wanted to put her in my Osprey backpack and take her into the wild for the next 10 years. Hurl hurl barf.

God I hate the Summit Fashion Camp.

3. What is AGE-APPROPRIATE MAKE-UP FOR A 5 - 12 YEAR OLD?

Answer: No make-up. No make-up is the age-appropriate make-up for a 5 - 12 year old girl. Maybe LipSmackers because they're delicious. But what the hell. I don't understand how a solution to confidence issues of little girls can be showing them how to make themselves look different with makeup, or fancier with clothes, or whatever. It's all so stupid and backwards. Logically, a nudist camp would make more sense, but I imagine there are some bureaucratic hurdles.

This post has really devolved, and it's all been said before (and much better, by brilliant people). But then I just saw this for the 2014 Fashion Camp, and it just made me so bummed to realize that this is a recurring thing and that it SELLS OUT: